Instead of demanding to be heard, God tells us to listen first. This first step may be the hardest. But “to answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”(James 1:19).

Next, we should select an appropriate time to talk about it. “A word spoken in its time, how good it is!” (Proverbs 15:23). When I got married, I made the mistake of trying to address conflict while my wife was busy with something else. I had to learn to wait and select a good time to talk about the issue.

Once the conversation begins, define the problem together. “What’s the problem for you?” Define the areas of agreement and disagreement. “What do we agree on? What not?”

Then, identify your own contribution to the problem. This requires heart searching and complete honesty. It’s striking how public conflict sometimes makes one person appear totally righteous and the other person totally at fault. That’s almost never the case. Even during the months when I experienced the greatest hypocrisy and most cruel treatment at my workplace, I was still able to pinpoint to a few things I had done wrong.

Once you’ve identified your contribution to the problem, state positively what changes on your part would probably help (“I can do this…”). Ask for the other person’s opinion. Listen.

Healthy relationships aren’t built by winning arguments. This week, let’s ask God to show us how we can resolve conflict and become peacemakers.